If you haven’t read my post “Lump In Your Throat” please do so before continuing with this post!
In just a span of 4 days we had told our parents and a few close friends/co-workers who we knew we could trust with our secret and would pray for our journey. I had a date set with a throat doctor for my biopsy in just a few weeks. Fear started to creep in me that I was not going to meet this baby, but I chose to think happy thoughts and enjoy this pregnancy while I was still not nauseous and still unaware of how long Lumpy would be my BFF. Everyday we would pray and pour through God’s word looking for passages on anxiety and trust because I wanted to lay it all in God’s hands but I wasn’t quite ready to quit worrying. There’s God laughing at me again – I make him do that often I’m sure…and probably throw His hands up and hang His head as in saying “She’ll listen one day, but not today!”
Still determined to enjoy our pregnancy I would drag M through the baby section at Target, which threw him into a panic thinking someone we knew would discover us looking at carseats or M’s worst nightmare, breast pumps.
Here he is racing through the aisles to say he “walked through the baby section” with me. It was more like a brisk jog. Don’t even get me started on when I tried to get him to look at the maternity clothes section.
And then the spiral. Friday night (now having known for 6 days we were expecting) I started to feel some cramps. My mom and mother-in-law assured me that there are lots of little tinges and pains during the first few months as your muscles stretch, so cramping is somewhat normal. But I wasn’t convinced. At 6AM Saturday morning, cramps are still there (Lumpy is too – Morning, Lumpsters) and they are starting to grow in intensity. Then the bleeding starts. I know what’s going on here. My fear from a few days prior is back, so I waited until the doctors office was open and called knowing I would get the answering service but hoping it was a nurse. It was and she sounded worried for me, and said the only thing I could do was wait and call back on Monday to notify my nurse and get blood work scheduled. MONDAY?! It’s Saturday!! Needless to say it was a very, very long weekend.
After many tears and blood work (needles again, ew.) I had confirmation that we had indeed lost Baby at only 5 weeks. We knew for one week that we would be parents and in that one week our hearts grew 20 sizes. We talked about everything from names to nurseries, bottles to bouncy seats. To love something so microscopically small so much in just a short time frame didn’t seem possible to me before, but it did now. I wasn’t mad at God because I knew He was in control. He knew Lumpy was going to require more attention that wouldn’t be safe for Baby. Lumpy and Baby couldn’t co-exist in my body at the same time, and that was okay with me at that moment. We weren’t ready financially to bring a baby into the world. We knew we needed a bigger place to live and didn’t want to rush into something only to regret buying a house that was more than we could handle. I would be able to get rid of Lumpy and mend my body so that it could house a baby safely in the future.
And even as I tossed these thoughts in my mind a few weeks later, my old friend Fear started to walk in the door accompanied by Anger, Doubt, and Depression. Would I ever be able to carry a baby full term? How long would it take to get pregnant again? What was wrong with my body that had made me miscarry? And why were there so many pregnant women in Owensboro?! Everywhere I turned there were beautiful pregnant bellies. Facebook was floating with pregnancy and birth announcements, monthly milestone baby pictures, and videos of babies taking their first steps. As soon as I got rid of Lumpy I was ready to be pregnant again, but was on strict orders from my doctor to wait the required 2 months.** Lots of tears fell in those two months of waiting. M and I fought more than ever before because I would go from content to raging mad to tears in a matter of seconds. I wanted a house and a nursery and I wanted to still be pregnant and I wanted it all NOW. I started to get angry that God had made a mistake and that the two months would never pass.
Then Guilt joined the party and I felt guilty for even grieving because there are mothers who deliver babies that are stillborn or miscarry second and third trimester when you’re supposed to be out of the most critical timeframe. My measly 5 weeks was nothing compared to that! But my love for my unborn child was. Wasn’t that enough? I felt embarrassed that people knew my body hadn’t been able to do it’s job, I regretted telling as many people as we had, even though it was only a handful. I was told the common phrase that women hear when they miscarry a baby – “At least you know you can get pregnant.” I had said that to so many of my friends before I conceived and now felt so guilty by that phrase. Yes it’s true and that is one hurtle our bodies pass in the childbearing arena, but can I carry that baby full term or long enough that it will survive at least?
So as my lovely party continued, I found blogs about miscarriage and passages of scripture that carried me through my silent depression and tears. Slowly I began to see my party guests to the door, and felt happy again and grateful for all the blessings God had so graciously given me. I had a healthy husband who loved me and cared for me so tenderly. I had all the material things I needed to survive on a day-to-day basis. And I had a God that loved me and was ever so patient and gracious.
If you’re grieving from a loss like this, know you’re not alone. You are a mother to an heavenly baby no matter how long you carried him or her. It’s okay to be angry, as long as you don’t stay there. And please, if you want to have children in the future don’t be scared to start trying again, don’t think there is something wrong with you that caused your miscarriage. I don’t write this post to have pity cast out or to bring attentionto me and my family. I write it to help myself sort through my feelings and reach out to those who are still sifting through theirs from recent miscarriages. I read so many blogs that helped me understand what I was feeling, so I hope this blog helps you.
**Lumpy was discovered to be a blood vessel that had burst in my neck for unknown reasons and formed a nodule. He was biopsied to be benign which was a wonderful blessing and after an intense lymphatic massage, Lumpy and I are no longer friends! His 3 little friends on the other side my thyroid have stayed super small and at this point in time are nothing to worry about!