Lump In Your Throat

M and I had decided that for our first married Valentine’s Day we were going to do absolutely nothing. No gifts, no dinners, no expensive date night (well we had our traditional Paoli ski trip planned in a few days that was going to be used as an excuse of a V-day gift/date/dinner package all in one). We were actually going to save money and clean the house – how romantic right?! Valentine’s Day has always been my favorite nonreligious holiday because who doesn’t love everything shaped in hearts, flowers, CANDY, and being doted on by your significant other?? So this was completely opposite of what I normally plan every year on my favorite day, but lately had just been feeling blah. Winter was mean this year, seasonal depression was in full swing, that time of the month for girls (sorry boys, TMI) was getting ready to fall right in the middle of our ski trip – yay… 

So this is our our Valentine’s Weekend started out:

Valentine’s Day Eve

After a day at the office, my neck was tired from staring at a computer screen all day and I just couldn’t seem to stretch out what felt like a crick coming on. So I text M and asked if he would mind massaging my neck when I got home and I immediately got a response of “Yesssss – insert winky face”. In which I returned ever so swiftly with, “Not that kind of massage babe – insert serious PMSing ask again and you’ll regret it face”and started my chilly drive home.

Let me tell y’all that was the most pitiful 2 minute massage a woman has ever endured, but it did manage to help me to move my neck a little more. But now there was a new found problem. A lump. I don’t like those two words together, it never sounds good. This wasn’t a lump like there is a bundle of nerves in your back that needs to be massaged out. This was a very tender lump on the front side of my neck that was in a completely different area than was hurting before. So I text my momma – who happens to be a nurse, knowing she’s going to tell me if I’m not bleeding to death then quit worrying about it (because that’s what all children who have nurses for moms are told, am I right?!) – who immediately calls me and starts asking questions about the lump. “It’s located on the front near my throat. Yeah, it kinda hurts when I touch it. No, I just noticed it but my neck has been hurting a lot today. Okay, we’ll go there as soon as they open tomorrow.” Click. M’s eyes were as big as saucers with worry and 100 more questions. I push those questions aside only because I’m mad that I have to go sit in a waiting room as soon as I wake up tomorrow and probably spend $100 for them to tell me I have strep throat.

Valentine’s Day 

On our way to Urgent Care I notice the lump is now slightly bigger and now moves up and down when I swallow. We pull in to see we are not the first ones here – crap – and sign in to wait our turn. Finally back in a room I get all the usual stuff checked – temperature, blood pressure, weight, pee in a cup, etc. – and the PA comes in to ask more questions and feel of the notorious lump. After learning how fast it popped up, she orders blood work and an ultrasound. All I hear is Needles and Needles – and possibly cancer, but definitely needles. Feeling faint, I lay down and prepare myself for the blood work, being very thankful that it’s happening now and not later (less time to think of imaginary horror stories). After blood work (which I did wonderfully, thank you for asking) on to the hospital for an ultrasound of my thyroid and lymph nodes.

During the ultrasound, it is starting to get hard to breathe and very uncomfortable to swallow. Our tech was so sweet, but like always can’t tell you what they see. M now has eyes the size of a planet because he can see the screen and see a large mass that our tech is meticulously measuring and snapping pictures of at every angle. After the 30 minute ultrasound session, it’s back to Urgent Care to get the lab results back to see if it’s possibly cancer. Did I mention I couldn’t breathe? Well I really can’t now.

Hello again, Urgent Care. We are sasheyed back to a room at record speed which is nice, except I can’t help but think it’s because there is bad news to come. Our PA sits us down and says, “Well the blood work came back normal, you don’t have an abnormal white blood cell count so the lump doesn’t look to be cancerous, but we still aren’t sure what it is. We are going to have to order a biopsy because the ultrasound did reveal a mass (actually 4 masses – but like I said do they EVER tell you these things?! No.) and we want to make sure it’s not in early stages of cancer that the blood work didn’t detect.”

Needles.

“This most likely is just a nodule (a lump in your thyroid that you can live with or have removed but will most likely be on thyroid medicine for the rest of your life – no. thank. you.) and is nothing to worry about. Oh, and by the way, you’re PREGNANT. Happy Valentine’s Day!! You’re free to go home and enjoy the rest of your day!” And she walks out.

Excuse me. Enjoy the rest of my day?! My ears were ringing after you said I needed a biopsy, so could you just rewind and repeat what you just said? I’m supposed to start TO-DAY. I’m not pregnant. I counted my days. We did NOT do ANYTHING during fertile week (as M says, no-no week). My face is breaking out, my stomach is bloated, I was kinda cramping yesterday… I can’t be pregnant?? Don’t get me wrong, I love kids and had been begging M to let us just ditch the whole – pay off debt first then start a family – plan. But I kind of wanted to be ready?? Like okay, we are going to pray about this and if God is leading us down that path it will happen. But this?? I know I keep God laughing up there…”She thinks she’s got this all figured out and is going to do this on her timeline. Isn’t that cute?”

I look over at M – somewhat scared I’m going to see a look of iamgonnakillyoubecauseyoumiscountedyourdaysmissy. Whatever is bigger than a planet, that’s how big M’s eyes were. But he’s smiling so that’s a good sign right? We stumble out of the room still dumbfounded at the news we were just given. I’m searching for that darn PA to tell her she needs to learn some bedside manners on how to break news to people like that! “Oh, and by the way..” Seriously?! Come on! But looking back now, I’m not sure there was a good way to break that to us.

We get to the car and I just lose it, scared to death of what this nodule on my neck means in terms of our new discovered pregnancy. Will Baby be okay with the hormones going on in my thyroid? Will surgery be a possibility? If it is cancer…that’s a whole new can of worms in itself that I didn’t want to open just yet. So we began to pray, right there in the car, asking God to heal, guide, and lead us down the path we were supposed to take and to do His will in our life. And if all went well with the thyroid and we carried full term, that He mold us into parents that raise God-fearing children.

So with tear stained eyes we headed to Hallmark to pick up a Valentine’s Day card for my mom that quietly announced she was becoming a grandparent, because who can hold that kind of news in for more than an hour? Not me 🙂

To be continued..

-H

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